The Journey through NICU
I am writing this from memory, I did not keep a diary or a journal, someone suggested I should, but I never found the time, nor was I really all that sure what to write, now 5 years later I wish I had.
So this may not be as detailed as it could be, I won't be able to do the day-to-day account of what was happening. But hopefully I will be able to give you some idea of what it was like - and what was happening in our little world.
The journey begins
Michael was almost 3 hours old before we got to see him for the first time, he was an hour old before I knew if I'd had a boy or a girl.
When we did go to the NICU, the whole room caved in on me!! There were wires, tubes, syringes, lots of high tech looking equipment which made a lot of noise, and somewhere in amongst all this, under a plastic bag, was my son. Nothing on earth could have prepared me for what I saw.
The little grey arm and leg I remember seeing in the bottom of the bed-pan was now bright brown/red and angry looking. I am trying to think of someway of describing him, and what he looked like but words fail me. He looked like a scrap of nothing, he was so small, perfectly formed but - oh so small.
His eyes were fused shut, he was wearing the biggest nappy I have ever seen, and yet this was a nappy designed for prem babies.
His Nurse came over to introduce himself, and suggested that "dropping him on his head wasn't the best start in life for a kid" I think that was meant to be a joke to relax us; but unfortunately that remark came back to haunt me just recently.
I just wanted to throw up, I remember Mum and Dad both coming in one at a time to say hello to their new grandchild, the look of sheer pride and amazement on both their faces as they looked at this tiny perfect baby, and all I could see was machines. It all seemed so unreal to me, like I'm going to wake from this nightmare, I will wake soon.
I didn't feel an overwhelming love and desire for this little scrap laid on his warming tray, under the plastic bag, and surrounded by technology. What I felt I can only describe as fear.
Back on the ward
I was taken back to the ward, I really didn't feel well at all, I wanted to sleep, not sure I ever wanted to wake up, I was still feeling incredibly sick, shaking like a leaf, and feeling light headed.
Once back on the ward, I got into bed and slept fitfully, until tea-time, when food arrived, I couldn't sit up to eat it, I felt dizzy and sick, although one lesson I did learn, you can't eat peach slices laying down - they slide off the spoon.
I don't remember much about that night, except lying there in the dark, listening to the sound of footsteps going up and down the corridor, and every so often the phone would ring. I laid there waiting for the door to open, for the visit from a midwife to say that the NICU were on the phone. Again that overwhelming sense of fear..........
At one point the door did open, it was the midwife from the night before. She came to apologize for not believing me over the "waters gone incident" the previous night. At that point I didn't care, I just wanted to be left alone, I didn't want her congratulations, I just wanted her to go away.
I probably drifted in and out of sleep all night, and I must admit the following day was pretty much the same, I couldn't even sit up without my head and the room spinning and me being violently sick.
I remember one of the midwives coming in to ask if I was going downstairs and that I ought to get myself sorted, when I told her how ill I felt the response was cold, and it wasn't until she insisted that I stand up, and I fell over that she realised I wasn't kidding. I was the one that suggested it might be an idea to do my iron levels, the response was "Why you didn't loose that much blood"
But she did get the blood tests arranged, and within a few hours I was behaving like a vampire and enjoying 5 units of the red stuff!! That took out most of the next 24 hours, and if you want me to be honest I have very little memory of it...other than being disturbed by the phone ringing and the footsteps in the corridor. Please don't be coming to see me...................
At some point I "woke" to a group of Doctors standing at the end of the bed, all wanting to say hello to the placenta previa who delivered naturally, I kept my eyes closed, and pretended to be asleep, their "happy faces" were more than I could cope with. I remember hearing the nurse say "Do you want me to wake her???" To which the Dr replied "no leave her" It turned out later that this was the Consultant I had been admitted under, the midwife was not impressed that I'd been asleep and not made the effort to wake up and say hello....I think she guessed I was awake.
Want me to be honest I really didn't care who had been stood at the end of my bed, my all time hero could've been stood at the end of that bed, and he would've got the same response.
At one point I woke to find two photos, on the table by the side of my bed, one of which I have put below, and I cried...
